Abuse and Divorce

I grew up in an abusive environment. However, when Child Protective Services stepped in and told my father that he would lose custody of his children if he could not stop, he turned his life around. He found God and what it means to be a Christian. My father ended up being a good man. Because of what I witnessed as a child, I knew what was right and what was wrong in a relationship.

Unfortunately, my knowledge did not keep me from marrying an abuser as well. I forgave him after the first dozen times; I even forgave him when he pushed me out of a moving vehicle on a busy city street. We went through counseling, but the abuse did not stop. After eighteen months, many stitches, broken bones, and the loss of a child, my ex-husband filed for divorce. I struggled with the fact that I am a Christian and divorced for several years. Although I knew if I had not divorced, I wouldn’t have survived; I still struggle with being divorced every day.

The Bible gives two acceptable reasons for divorce: the first is in the case of abandonment of a Christian by an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15), and the second is if one partner is involved in a lifestyle of infidelity (Matthew 5:32). Although God allows divorce in these circumstances, He does not command it. It should be assumed that two Bible-believing Christians will not mutually agree to divorce, but will practice the forgiveness and love that God freely gives us. “'For I hate divorce!' says the Lord, the God of Israel” (Malachi 2:16).

Matthew 19:4-6 - In verse 4, "And He [Jesus] answered and said,  'Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female and said, 'For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh'? Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate. "

Matthew 91:9: “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.”

Rick Warren: Bible Doesn’t Justify Divorce for Abuse ~ According to Pastor Rick Warren the only two biblical justifications for divorce are abandonment and a physical affair. Warren recommends that the couple "separate" and "undergo counseling." Warren continues to say that divorce cause lifelong pain and is a "selfish" act.

Under Warren's philosophy, me missing work for three weeks should be dealt with by trying to work things out with my husband and being beat again before I had a chance to heal, does not warrant divorce. I know what you are all thinking, "It's your own fault for not leaving. You should have gone somewhere that you were safe." However, there were no Noah's Projects where I lived; and had I sought one out, I would be putting my family, mother, sister, infant nephew, brother, and father at risk as a potential murder victim. This man who was supposed to honor and respect me had beat me with the butt of a .22 rifle before pointing it to my temple and threatening, "I swear to God, if you ever, ever try to leave me I am going to start killing off the members of your family until you come back!" My sacrifice was my family's protection. Instead, I did stay. We underwent therapy, but the beatings would continue, most often immediately after marriage counseling sessions because I told how I felt. Warren is right about one thing, I do carry lifelong pain with me, but not from being a divorced woman. The lifelong pain is the feeling that I am not good enough; and no matter how much love I gave, it was not enough to keep me safe. The lifelong pain is that I still have nightmares and have difficulty trusting males. The pain comes from waking up in tears because the memories of the severe, and I do mean severe, abuse still tortures me. I was seventeen when I married a man that treated me like a queen, a man that I trusted, and a man that showed no signs of abusive behaviors. I felt that I loved him, but I realize now, that feeling came from wanting better for myself than what my mother had. I wanted better for my future children than what I had; and though my father had changed, I did not want to wait twenty years for a husband to do so as my mother had. If that makes me a whore, a sinner, and adulteress, then so be it.

What does God's Word say about divorce because of an abusive situation, and remarriage after that? ~ Senior Pastor, Paul LeBoutillier, believes that all forms of abuse "is a sign of unrestrained selfishness and cruelty. It is impossible to be abusive and Christ-like at the same time. Any man who claims to know and serve Christ and who abuses his family is a hypocrite of the worst possible kind." LeBoutillier continues by defining abuse as "inflicting physical harm, and/or emotional distress by using abusive language or behavior with specific intent to demean, intimidate, threaten and tear down." LeBoutillier believes that the dangers of abuse warrant the separation of the abused from the abuser. However, LeBoutillier also believes that prayer and counseling along with separation should be the legitimate action according to the standards set up by scripture. Where LeBoutillier differs from Warren is he allows for divorce when the abuser files for divorce and does not wish to change his/her abusive behavior.

Under LeBoutillier's philosophy, though it is much like Warren's, I am not at fault although I am divorced. Though LeBoutillier does call for separation and counseling as well as waiting for the abuser to change, he believes that the abused is not at fault when all attempts fail and the abuser files for divorce. Therefore, I am not considered an adulteress because my ex-husband has sinned by filing for divorce, for not loving me and respecting me, and for not behaving as a Christian should behave.

A Biblical Response to the Abused Wife ~ The U.S. Department of Justice (2000) reported that “intimate partner violence is pervasive in U.S. society” (p. 5).  Approximately 25% of women surveyed were physically assaulted and/or raped by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.  In a 10‑country study of domestic violence against women, the World Health Organization (2009) found that 15% to 71% of women disclosed sexual or physical violence by a partner or husband.  These statistics underscore the prevalence of intimate partner abuse, which counselors will likely encounter in their practices.  It is imperative for Christian counselors to have a biblical answer for abused wives who feel caught in the dilemma of how to obey God and yet preserve their very lives.  God’s covenantal design for marriage is broken by abuse, and Scripture does not mandate that an abused wife must remain married to an abuser; therefore, the body of Christ is called to model God’s compassion toward abused women through effective strategies designed to meet the needs of women who are trying to escape abusive relationships.

With this being said, I do not believe for a second that God wishes for His children to suffer. I do not believe that He would want a woman beaten half to death by the man who is to love, honor, and respect her to stay in that situation. I do believe that I did the right thing by waiting and trying to work it out, and I do believe that signing the papers saved my life. Sometimes, the only answer is to save yourself and find a way out.