Abuse and Divorce

I grew up in an abusive environment. However, when Child Protective Services stepped in and told my father that he would lose custody of his children if he could not stop, he turned his life around. He found God and what it means to be a Christian. My father ended up being a good man. Because of what I witnessed as a child, I knew what was right and what was wrong in a relationship.

Unfortunately, my knowledge did not keep me from marrying an abuser as well. I forgave him after the first dozen times; I even forgave him when he pushed me out of a moving vehicle on a busy city street. We went through counseling, but the abuse did not stop. After eighteen months, many stitches, broken bones, and the loss of a child, my ex-husband filed for divorce. I struggled with the fact that I am a Christian and divorced for several years. Although I knew if I had not divorced, I wouldn’t have survived; I still struggle with being divorced every day.

The Bible gives two acceptable reasons for divorce: the first is in the case of abandonment of a Christian by an unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15), and the second is if one partner is involved in a lifestyle of infidelity (Matthew 5:32). Although God allows divorce in these circumstances, He does not command it. It should be assumed that two Bible-believing Christians will not mutually agree to divorce, but will practice the forgiveness and love that God freely gives us. “'For I hate divorce!' says the Lord, the God of Israel” (Malachi 2:16).

Matthew 19:4-6 - In verse 4, "And He [Jesus] answered and said,  'Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female and said, 'For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh'? Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate. "

Matthew 91:9: “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.”

Rick Warren: Bible Doesn’t Justify Divorce for Abuse ~ According to Pastor Rick Warren the only two biblical justifications for divorce are abandonment and a physical affair. Warren recommends that the couple "separate" and "undergo counseling." Warren continues to say that divorce cause lifelong pain and is a "selfish" act.

Under Warren's philosophy, me missing work for three weeks should be dealt with by trying to work things out with my husband and being beat again before I had a chance to heal, does not warrant divorce. I know what you are all thinking, "It's your own fault for not leaving. You should have gone somewhere that you were safe." However, there were no Noah's Projects where I lived; and had I sought one out, I would be putting my family, mother, sister, infant nephew, brother, and father at risk as a potential murder victim. This man who was supposed to honor and respect me had beat me with the butt of a .22 rifle before pointing it to my temple and threatening, "I swear to God, if you ever, ever try to leave me I am going to start killing off the members of your family until you come back!" My sacrifice was my family's protection. Instead, I did stay. We underwent therapy, but the beatings would continue, most often immediately after marriage counseling sessions because I told how I felt. Warren is right about one thing, I do carry lifelong pain with me, but not from being a divorced woman. The lifelong pain is the feeling that I am not good enough; and no matter how much love I gave, it was not enough to keep me safe. The lifelong pain is that I still have nightmares and have difficulty trusting males. The pain comes from waking up in tears because the memories of the severe, and I do mean severe, abuse still tortures me. I was seventeen when I married a man that treated me like a queen, a man that I trusted, and a man that showed no signs of abusive behaviors. I felt that I loved him, but I realize now, that feeling came from wanting better for myself than what my mother had. I wanted better for my future children than what I had; and though my father had changed, I did not want to wait twenty years for a husband to do so as my mother had. If that makes me a whore, a sinner, and adulteress, then so be it.

What does God's Word say about divorce because of an abusive situation, and remarriage after that? ~ Senior Pastor, Paul LeBoutillier, believes that all forms of abuse "is a sign of unrestrained selfishness and cruelty. It is impossible to be abusive and Christ-like at the same time. Any man who claims to know and serve Christ and who abuses his family is a hypocrite of the worst possible kind." LeBoutillier continues by defining abuse as "inflicting physical harm, and/or emotional distress by using abusive language or behavior with specific intent to demean, intimidate, threaten and tear down." LeBoutillier believes that the dangers of abuse warrant the separation of the abused from the abuser. However, LeBoutillier also believes that prayer and counseling along with separation should be the legitimate action according to the standards set up by scripture. Where LeBoutillier differs from Warren is he allows for divorce when the abuser files for divorce and does not wish to change his/her abusive behavior.

Under LeBoutillier's philosophy, though it is much like Warren's, I am not at fault although I am divorced. Though LeBoutillier does call for separation and counseling as well as waiting for the abuser to change, he believes that the abused is not at fault when all attempts fail and the abuser files for divorce. Therefore, I am not considered an adulteress because my ex-husband has sinned by filing for divorce, for not loving me and respecting me, and for not behaving as a Christian should behave.

A Biblical Response to the Abused Wife ~ The U.S. Department of Justice (2000) reported that “intimate partner violence is pervasive in U.S. society” (p. 5).  Approximately 25% of women surveyed were physically assaulted and/or raped by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.  In a 10‑country study of domestic violence against women, the World Health Organization (2009) found that 15% to 71% of women disclosed sexual or physical violence by a partner or husband.  These statistics underscore the prevalence of intimate partner abuse, which counselors will likely encounter in their practices.  It is imperative for Christian counselors to have a biblical answer for abused wives who feel caught in the dilemma of how to obey God and yet preserve their very lives.  God’s covenantal design for marriage is broken by abuse, and Scripture does not mandate that an abused wife must remain married to an abuser; therefore, the body of Christ is called to model God’s compassion toward abused women through effective strategies designed to meet the needs of women who are trying to escape abusive relationships.

With this being said, I do not believe for a second that God wishes for His children to suffer. I do not believe that He would want a woman beaten half to death by the man who is to love, honor, and respect her to stay in that situation. I do believe that I did the right thing by waiting and trying to work it out, and I do believe that signing the papers saved my life. Sometimes, the only answer is to save yourself and find a way out.

War and Christianity

3 Positions on War

1. Obedience to government – patriotic monkey
Prosecuting war is one of the unfortunate, but necessary responsibilities of government
Romans 13 – Christians
Based in some kind of fairness
Benefit from blessing of government
Doesn’t require any thought

2. Pacifist position – non-patriotic monkey
Emphasizes the principle of non-violence
Requires no thought because the answer is always no
Grounded in the ethic of Jesus
“Those who live by the sword, die by the sword”
Sermon on the mount (turn the other cheek)
Long, deep history in Christian position

3. Just war position – most complex
Requires the individual to do some pretty deep thinking
Must decide whether the war is right or wrong
If it is Just, you must fight
If it is not Just, you must not fight

What makes a just war?
Why? What is the reason?
How? How it is going to be fought?

MUST PASS BOTH

Why?
Action of last resort
Must be for peace, cannot be an offensive war
What has happened in the last five years?
Some offensive wars are Just because of weapons of mass destruction
Pre-emption can be defended because technologies have changed
Cause of war must be Just
Save innocent lives
Cannot be economic gain

How?
Recognized authority that is fighting the war
War must be declared
Targets should be military
Doctrine of proportionality must accomplish more good than mayhem
Playing by the rules
If we are fighting for good reasons and passes why and how
Christians have an obligation to fight
Biblical criteria
God would not support a war that is not Just

PRO-WAR SIDE

Just war for Just cause
Authority – government
Proportionality
Distinguish between military and non-military targets
Civilian casualties are acceptable because the doctrine of double effect – civilian casualties are not the intended outcome
Are not going to war just to fight, but for peace

ANTI-WAR SIDE

Pacifism

Christian ethic – violence breeds violence
Love your enemies
Every war stems from a previous war
War is caused by the power and corruption of government (outside governments with outside interference)

Passive resistance

Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr. (lived by the Jesus ethic)
Always another way to resolve conflict
Wars fought with words not weapons accomplish more in the end

Is it wrong for a Christian to be a policeman, soldier, etc?

How do you protect your family?

Just War – how do you claim peace through violence?

How does Christian love translate for you to kill people?

War is inherent to this world; it is inevitable?

Does god tell us and teach us we should go to war?

Isn’t it idealistic that war ends war?

Is war really inherent to the world?

World will be pretty corrupt, pretty fast if we were all pacifists
Just war is more idealistic because it depends on the government to justify war
The only way to stop men like Hitler, Hussein, etc. is to have bigger guns than them

"Nothing is more depressing and more illogical than aggressive Christianity."

~ Gerald Vann

"Christianity means a lot more than church membership."

~ Billy Sunday

Right and Wrong

At preschool age, I felt as though everything I did were wrong. I was punished severely for the most minute of actions. I clung to members of my church more than I did my family. I trusted very few people and was a fearful child, because of abuse. I barely knew my father even though he lived in the home. He worked up from sun-up to sundown. The only time I did see my father, he was drunk. My mother and father were physically fighting with one another or with others. I thought it was acceptable to fight with people because of this. My siblings and I fought all of the time and often injured each other. We had all almost literally killed one another. At the time, the only positive role models I had were those from my church.

It was not until I started elementary school that I really begun to understand right from wrong. What was acceptable behavior at school was not mirrored at home, so I did often stay confused. My siblings and I still battled, but we were all withdrawn from others. I dove into schoolwork and dedicated every bit of spare time to church activities. I learned my morals from Brother Blair, not from my family. I felt as if I could get away with more and be a kid at church, because being a child at home was wrong. Therefore, I still felt I did more wrong than good. Because I did not fully understand religion and did not have anyone at home that could explain things to me, I believed I was a sinner and would most certainly go to hell. I was still in elementary school when I began puberty. Because my father would threaten that we better not ever go through puberty, I hid my period from my family for two years. I thought I had done something wrong to cause me to get my period. Did you ever see “Carrie?” Yes, it was like that. I was told by my father that bad girls get their periods; and if you get your period, you will go to hell. I also knew that adultery was wrong and did not understand that child molestation was not adultery.

Because I had lived with the guilt for so long, I purposely did wrong things in high school. I wanted help, but could not get it. Every time I ran away, I was arrested at church. I went to my pastor for help, but he turned me in, so I felt betrayed. This confused me more than ever before, because I felt that it was right to look for salvation and sanctuary within the Lord. However, the law told me running away was a crime. At this point, I believed that no matter what I did, it was wrong.

I lost faith in church and God through my young adult years. I left home at seventeen and married a man that almost killed me and in the process caused me to lose my child. He got away with his crimes against me, so I felt that it was acceptable to allow a man to beat me. After all, this is how I was raised. I began to feel that God was punishing me for my loss of faith. I turned to drugs and alcohol though I knew it was a crime. I left my ex-husband, which went against everything I had ever been taught. In my church divorce was a sin, and in my family it was a crime. I was disowned from my family and excommunicated from my church for this. For the first time in my life, I had to find out right from wrong on my own. I married a wonderful man at 23 years old. I quit using, because of him. I started to look at my Christian values once again. This time, I did it on my own. Over the last few years, I have begun to realize what the Christian ethic looks like. I know right from wrong and know God does not cause us pain, he takes the pain away. Because I did not ever see what parenting is like, I have dove into it with blinders on. I know how poorly my parents treated me and how this hurt me. I know what they did is wrong. Therefore, I act the opposite toward my children and hope it is right.

I am almost in my middle adulthood stage. My understanding of right and wrong, now, is that the right thing to do has no victims. It may be difficult, but it hurts no one. The wrong action hurts one or many. I also am wise enough to know that governmental laws and justice are not always right. God’s laws trump all others.

The Faith Community’s Response to Child Sexual Abuse

More Protestant members have sexually abused children than in the Catholic Church. There is less in the clergy, but more among the members - teachers, Boy Scout leaders, Disney workers, pornographers, foster families, and yes, church leaders. Adults attending ACU who were sexually abused as children is equal to or exceeds nationwide levels. One in six men and one in four women report a history of sexual abuse. The incidence rate is only that of reported cases. If you google “child sexual abuse and the church” there are over 18,400,000 results. Googling “sex” yields more results than Jesus, 38,000,000. Many perpetrators will not abuse their children, but will abuse other children. The numbers of false allegations are less than 4% and usually revolve around a disputed custody case.

Sexual abuse includes: fondling, oral genital contact, vaginal/anal intercourse, forcible rape, exhibitionism, forcing to watch pornography or sex acts, obscene phone calls, and verbal comments. Most child sexual abuse is not discovered until at least a year after it first occurred. Normally if a child reports abuse at a young age and nothing is done, they will never report again. A child may be physically abused and neglected before the age of three is unable to retrieve the information. The typical impact of sexual abuse is post traumatic stress disorder, sexualized response – they lose their sexual innocence and may act out sexually with other children, or they may be behavioral problems and negative affectivity. If you do not report suspected child abuse, you have committed a crime, no matter who you are. Because of the increase in molestation, sexual abuse is covered widely by the media.

There are no prevention methods because the abuser is usually someone that the child trusts, and there is no psychological profile for perpetrator abuse. There are, currently, no recognized symptoms or diagnostics for child molestation. The church response was to often sweep it under the rug, don’t talk about it, and return child to their abuser. Furthermore, asking a child what happened does not work; it does no good and is actually a bit voyeuristic. Some church leaders will place the child in a meeting with the abuse, so the child, most often, will recant because of intimidation. One could easily speculate that perpetrators say they are sorry only because they have been caught, but most cannot be rehabilitated. If a child is removed from their home and put in a foster home, the child is being punished, not the perpetrator. Treatment takes years before the family should even consider reunification.

The Church’s attitude is usually tied to the word of Jesus, “forgive,” or “turn the other cheek,” “God’s will,” or “Honor your father and mother.” The church’s attitude to child sexual abuse must be changed. Presently, because of the way molestation cases are being handled by the church and the community, the child feels as if they are the perpetrator, and the abuser is the victim.

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (NIV Matthew 19:14)