The Faith That Lives Between Yesterday and Today

 There are days when I look back at the woman I was in 2012 and feel a kind of tenderness for her. She was raw, questioning, bruised by poverty and disappointment, yet still reaching for God with both hands. She was learning that faith is not a polished thing but a lived one, shaped by hunger, shaped by hypocrisy, shaped by the unexpected kindness of a stranger who carried Christ more faithfully than the church she trusted. She was beginning to understand that questioning is not the enemy of faith — complacency is.

Today, I stand in a different season, though the echoes remain. I have walked through storms that taught me how to listen for God in the quiet. I have learned that the disjointedness I once felt between the Old Testament and the New Testament was not a flaw but a journey — law giving way to grace, structure giving way to spirit, command giving way to compassion. I have learned that Christ’s call is not to perfection but to transformation, and transformation is slow, sometimes painful, always honest.

I have seen enough of the world to know that poverty is not just an economic condition but a spiritual one. There are people with full bank accounts and empty hearts, and people with empty pockets and hearts overflowing with mercy. I have learned to measure faith not by attendance or appearance but by the quiet way someone shows up for another human being. I have learned that compassion is the true currency of the Kingdom.

And I have learned, most of all, that God meets me in the questioning. He meets me in the porch light after a long day, in the soft breath of Coco sleeping at my feet, in the watercolor wash of a morning sky, in the scriptures that rise up exactly when I need them.

“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you.” — Ezekiel 36:26 A verse for the woman I was, and the woman I am becoming.

“Let us not grow weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” — Galatians 6:9 A verse for the long road, the tired days, the quiet endurance.

“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” — Galatians 6:2 A verse for the church I still hope for, the community I still believe is possible.

I no longer question my faith to see whether it will break. I question it to see where it will grow. I question it because I want a faith that is lived in deed and truth, not merely spoken. I question it because Christ Himself asked questions, because transformation requires reflection, because love requires honesty.

And so I write — as I did then, as I do now — not to criticize, but to illuminate. Not to condemn, but to call forth. Not to tear down, but to build up the kind of faith that feeds the hungry, shelters the weary, and remembers that Christ’s hands were always reaching outward.

Reflection on: Why Question Faith?

Old Friend

I ran into an old friend that I have known since I was a kid in high school. She looked just like she did then, is a personal trainer, and is a successful business owner. Her outward appearance was as perfect as perfect could be. The first thing she said to me was, “Oh my God, Pam, Is that you?” The criticism was evident in her voice. “My God, I cannot believe how much you have changed. Look at you. You look nothing like you were. You were always so beautiful.”

The smile faded from my face, and I suddenly felt ashamed. I am no longer the beauty pageant winner that people remember. I am not the model that used to strut my stuff in swimwear for the cameras. I am not as successful in my career as I planned to be.

Though, I did graduate both high school and college with honors, I chose to live my life rather than live for my career. I chose to be the best mother that I could be by staying home with my children. I chose to spend hours upon hours of the best years of my life, so far, in therapy sessions with my child. I battled stage one cancer and won. I battle hypothyroidism every single day, and although I watch my diet closely and work out on a daily basis, I am still overweight. I struggle with severe arthritis, and though it is tough to get up out of bed in the mornings, I push myself with each step.

And, while listening to her talk about her financial success, I could see the sadness in her eyes. I realized she had money, but I have so much more. When she asked why all I talked about was my family, I replied. “My family is my life. They are what I live for, and their happiness brings me joy. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. I may not be who you remember, but I am healthy. I am happy, and I am loved.” The more I spoke, the more I could feel the smile spread across my face. And, the more I spoke, the more I saw her smile fade.

We cannot measure one another by financial wealth. That is not what we will be remembered for. For most of us, our outward beauty fades, but if we are loved, our inward beauty can be immeasurable. We will never be remembered for the money we had. The lives we touch and the memories we imprint on our friends and families are the legacy we all leave behind.

Erikson’s Theory of Psychosocial Development

I find there are three stages in Erikson’s Theory of Psychosocial Development where faith can play a significant role in social development. During the Identity vs. Role confusion stage, adolescents are trying to find their identity and fit in to society. They hope to do so in a positive manner. They also begin at this stage to start thinking more philosophically and spiritually. Through their ability to become devoted to friends and causes, they may find themselves joining a peer group that has a Christian background. This gives many a feeling of identity. This is also the stage that most adolescents’ faith is being tested. If their peer groups are delinquents, or they have developed an inferiority complex from the previous stage of development, they may find themselves becoming delinquents as well. The next stage that I feel faith may contribute to the emotional and social development of the individual is the Generativity vs. Self-absorption or Stagnation stage. Many individuals in this stage begin to teach their children about their culture, if their culture is a Christian culture, the individual may want to pass their ideals on to their children. They begin to look at the bigger picture. In other words, they no longer see the world as a place that holds them as the epicenter, but now may see the world as much bigger than them. They want social change and to help their brothers. They usually turn to faith to find the answers on how to help. On the other hand, if the person is more self-absorbed, they do not see the world in the same way. They may want to strive to help only themselves. Their end goal may be material, even if they feel that they are faithful, or Christians, they may be more devoted to the capitalist dream than to Christianity. The final stage that I feel faith may play a big part in is the Integrity vs. Despair stage. We all learn at a young age that death is inevitable. Whether you have faith in an afterlife or not often determines whether you fear death or not. A person with a lack of faith may fight death all the way, but those with a strong sense of Christianity, may be more accepting their inevitable fate.

AUXILIUM MEUM A DOMINO

"He who climbs above the cares of this world, and turns his face to his God, has found the sunny side of life."

~ Spurgeon

"The moon lives in the lining of your skin."

~ Pablo Neruda

"Waste no tears over the grieves of yesterday."

~ Euripides